DreamWork's Hansel and Gretel
by WritingQueen390
Summary: When DreamWorks gets their hands on a classic, they decide to make a few changes. R&R! :D


A formal gentleman enters a room with a lit fireplace, a book in one hand and reading glasses in the other, and seated himself in the chair at its center. A familiar image. He cracks open the book, its pages few but content infinite, and allowed the glow to lend itself onto the pages. He places his glasses on, about to start, when he looks up at you.

"Oh, hello. Frightfully sorry, I didn't hear you come in. Oh no no no- welcome! I was uh, just about to read this story. This week I've chosen to reiterate a classic, a little fairy tale. I'm certain you've heard it. What was that you said? Too old?! Poppycock! Was your childhood a packet of misery and woe? Listen, here's a little something you need to know about fairy tales: some of them are _insane._ I mean, if you thought it the witch falling in the oven was bad, me oh my, you haven't witnessed anything. I'm talking rated R Happy Tree Friends _messed up. _I'm sorry, is that dated? Well, no matter. Those aren't the kind we're speaking of today. It's _Hansel and Gretel._ HEY! Get back here! Look, I understand that tastes change as one grows older and I don't mean get on the 'you kids today' soap box, but those tastes become _old_ as well one day, don't they?These tales become so simple they transcend dated. When Bambi's mom dies, do you scoff? When Simba's father falls off the cliff, do you not cry? And if we lose our passion for our simple stories, we lose the spark to our simple souls! Now that I'm assured you have at least a scrap of a soul, I shall begin."

He cleared his throat. "Once upon a time there lived two siblings, Hansel and Gretel. They traveled the forest with their father and evil-stepmother to chop down wood when they became lost. Hansel was smart enough to leave a trail of breadcrumbs to lead the way home, but the animals devoured it. Hope for them was running out until they stumbled upon a house made out of-"

"...and once this gets big enough to wrangle up a sequel we gotta grab somebody smaller. Who's the wave washin' up for us?" Two men walked in the room. One dawned a fedora, suspenders, and spoke in a strange Brooklyn-ish 1920's-esque accent. The other which followed the first was trimmed and tapped on his ipad with each word.

"Michel Cera hasn't done anything big in a while." said the second man.

"Close, but I'd prefer a comedian."

"George Lopez?"

"Didn't his career go in a coma after _Smurfs__?_"

"What about Gabriel Iglesias? He could be a fluffy cat?"

"Eh, he'll have ta do."

"Excuse me?" The Narrator inquired. "I don't intend to interrupt, but you're both intruding-"

"And put out that fire, will ya? It's a hazard."

His partner quickly grabbed a conveniently placed bucket of water and tossed it over the fire. The darkness was subsequently replaced by a bright artificial light from above. This caused the to Narrator spring from the chair.

"What is the purpose of-"

"Cause that's just what I need, a spark scorchin' my rental."

"Sir!"

The man in the fedora grabbed the Narrator's hand. "It's a pleasure! I'm one of the directors over at DreamWorks Animation. My name is-" The one behind the Director cleared his throat, "Oh, and this is one of our higher ups. He's gonna run through everything make corrections to give the okay on what we do."

"Alan Smithee, the one and only!" He moved forward and shook the Narrator's hand as well. "We wanna turn this little tale into a big picture!"

The Narrator pulled his hand away, nodding slowly. "Oh yeah. Aren't you the ones who did that _Ten Commandments _movie? _Prince of Egypt?"_

The Director turned to Smithee. "Oh yeah, we did, didn' we?" he shrugged."But we're aspiring to somethin' different this time. It'll be for everyone."

"Enough to market. Like on a billboard."

"Yes, and everyone on that billboard will have their eyebrows raised, like they're inviting you on the adventure."

"As well as the whole family! It's animated, so naturally it has to be kid-oriented."

"Yes, but we'll subtly throw in a couple jokes for the parents!"

"We'll get the best animators in town, with all the biggest celebs!"

"It'll be modern and edgy!"

The Narrator pondered on that. "Hm, well I suppose a fairytale film have succeeded before."

"Hey! I was hoping we'd get a supporter!" Alan Smithee cried. He turned to the Director. "Didn't I tell you?"

"You did indeed."

"But here's the thing, we're thinking of taking a different approach this time around."

The Narrator raised an eyebrow at Smithee. "How so?"

"Well, like you mentioned this has been done before. We're just a tad concerned how a little fairytale will fill a movie. But naturally we'll have to add or subtract a few things-"

"Such as?"

"Oh, not much at all! Just things to catch the eye. It needs a little freshening up, you get what I'm saying? So, um, to start off, we're setting it in modern day."

"Excuse me?!"

The Director stepped in front of Smithee "Don't look so blue, we already made a movie 'bout that. Listen, people have been tellin' us the jokes in our movies are too modern for the times their set in. So to fix that we're gonna put it into context. And besides, it'll put a new spin on things! Every fairytale is this old long time ago far far away nonsense that we've all seen _over _and _over _again, so we'll be innovative! We wanna try something different. The old stuff's not bad, just a tad outdated, that's all. I mean, you wouldn't eat a Pop-Tart past its expiration date, right?"

"But this is not a Pop-Tart! It's a classic!"

"Which reminds me, I admire the get-up you got goin' here, smooth talkin' grandpa n' all, but you're not Morgan Freeman and there ain't no penguins here."

"That can be arranged!" cried Alan Smithee.

The Director snapped his fingers. "Save that for later and get him outta here. And bring the kiddies in while you're at it."

With movements as swift as a cartoon's Smithee dashed in and out with a wheelbarrow and rolled the Narrator out.

"You can't do this! Don't you realize you're besmirching the name?! BESMIRCHING I SAY!"

As the Narrator was wheeled out, the storybook fell from his hands. The Director moved over to pick it up. Just as he flipped through the pages a young boy and girl walked out with the Smithee. They had clothes from an earlier time. The younger girl hung close to the taller and older boy with similar hair to hers.

"Well, ain't you two the darndest things?" said the Director. "Me and my assistant over there are from DreamWorks."

"Wow! Aren't you the guys who did _Road to El Dorado_?"said Hansel

"And that one horse movie?"Gretel asked in a soft tone.

"We did?" The Director asked.

Smithee hastily tapped on his ipad. "Indeed, apparently."

"You don't say?"

"Are we finally getting a movie deal?" Hansel asked, "Cause we've just been hanging around while everyone else has been getting one. And while we're at it, we've got a friend named Red that's been waiting-"

"Okay, well, we'll get to that." said the Director, "Listen, we're gonna make a big-budget movie outa you two, but we gotta make some changes n' I wanted to run it by you's two first. Ya see, fairytales like you two have been around so long and done so many times that anyone who hears the title knows the story instantly. Something that stays with you that long, _that's_ what success is. But, y'know, with it being done so many times there really is no original version and each time they get even better. We wanna be different from the old fairytale style. That's why this needs to be rebooted, so we can prove just how silly those other ones were. It'll take alotta money to make, so I wanted to go through the basics with you two before we got started. To start with, it's gonna be animated-"

"Like Disney?!" Gretel squealed

Mr. Smithee's smile tightened. "Close. It'll be computer generated."

"Like _Bugs Life_?"

"You're pushin' it, cutie." He snatched the book from the Director. "So it starts off when you guys get lost in the forest?"

"Well, it started out when my sister and I were in the forest with our dad and stepmom-"

"Why a stepmom of all things?" The Director asked.

Hansel shrugged. "I can't answer that."

"Isn't the stepmom supposed to be the witch or something?" Smithee asked.

"I didn' know that." said the Director.

"It's cause princesses always have evil stepmothers!" Gretel called, suddenly enthusiastic. "If it's CGI I'll be like Rapunzel and Fiona and that one candy-glitch!"

"Unless you go _The Black Cauldron_ route." said the Director.

"The what?" asked Hansel

"Exactly."

Hansel shook his head. "Gretel, you're not a princess."

"Then I'll be like Mulan and Alice and have my own line of products without a royal background!"

"That's the spirit!"He took the book back from Smithee to go through the pages. "So what next?"

"Um, we left a trail of breadcrumbs behind to not lose our way, but the animals ate it. We find this house made of candy-"

"Candy won't fly." Smithee snapped in.

"Why?"

"Promotes obesity."

"But maybe-"

"You heard the man! Promotes obesity!" The Director yelled.

"And that's just what I need, parents rapping on my door over their escapades to Applebee's."

"Moving on. You say you're poor, right? What's the modernization of that? The hood?"

"Um, I don't think-"

"Nah, you're right." The Director interluded, "Too controversial."

"And that's just what I need a lawsuit from the Bronx at my door."

"Orphans are more sympathetic anyway. The breadcrumbs are cute, but modernization gives us opportunities. Drop Rice-Krispee Treats ™"

"That doesn't sound-"

"What? You want Snickers ™? Anything but Reece's-Pieces. ET's got dibs."

"We don't care, but if the story is already popular, won't they go anyway?"

"Hey, listen, speakin' of popularity, statistics say kids like McDonalds, right?" said Smithee

"…What?!"

"Yeah! We can use this opportunity to make a parody!" cried the Director, "You's guys skippin' along when BAM! A McDonald's smack-dab in the middle of the woods."

"Why is there a McDonald's in the woods?"

"That's the mystery! There's nobody there to tell ya why! An empty McDonalds, now that's frightening! Can we do that, Smithee?! Huh, _huh_?! Can we _please _be funny?"

"There's no way we're getting the McDonald's copyright."

"Then we'll change it! That's why it's a parody! We'll call it McDenny's! It'll be funny!"

"Well, I suppose we would make a good toy deal out of it."

"But you _just_ said-"

"Huzah! So what happens next?"

"Huh?"

"In the story! Get with the program, kid!"

"Oh, uh…"

"The witch!" Gretel called, "She's all ugly and mean and GRRRRR!"

"Right, she turned her house into sweets to fatten up and eat kids."

"Can't do that. Promotes cannibalism." Said Smithee. "For Shrek's sake, kids are watching this!"

"Well, alright, how bout we scrap the stepmother? It's been done. An evil McDenny's employee! He's fed up with the system so he hides McDenny's in the forest to take passerby's hostage! Somebody get Jim Carey on the phone!"

"Is this the same story?"Hansel asked Gretel.

"What color do you think my dress should be? All the good ones are taken."

The Director returned to flipping throughout the pages. "This is great! Now all we need is a big-bang ending!"

"Why do I even try? You just keep inter-"

"C'mon kid! Where's your fun? When people hear bout this theaters'll be so packed they'll need binoculars to see! We just need a big-bang ending the families will be satisfied with before their trips to McDonalds and/or Denny's! So whatdoya got?"

"Gretel shoves the witch in the oven and we escape."

The Director's face stiffened. The corner of his mouth twitched and his fingers curled to fists.

"Kid, you want me sued."

"No, we-"

"Well you're trying hard! And that's what I need, kids cookin' their parents when the cookies run out!"

"That's not our fault! It was _written_ that wa-"

"Okay, since you're refusing to cooperate, I'm forced to do this myself. Recap. You're orphans tra-la-la-ing when you get lost. You left behind Rice-Krispees but your lovable companion Squirrely Squirrelington, the Squirrel, ate them. But that's okay, because you find a McDenny's. It's empty as an indie movie crowd accept for the cashier. He's wildly hilarious at first, but he wants to take over the world. Squirrely finds a bag-o-magic and turns him into a frog. You leave and learn a lesson, happily ever after, yadda yadda. Everyone sees it, cha ching, sequels, more cha-ching. Here's your motivations. Gretel, you're cute."

"…That's it?"

"Yep. Then everyone will quote you."

"Alright."

"No-help-Hansel? When somethin' weird comes up you go 'wow'. I think we've got a spare hoodie from our last flick."

"You're kidding."

"We're gonna be a movie!" Gretel skipped off. Hansel merely sighed as Mr. Smithee patted him on the back.

"Sorry kid, but to win the game, you've gotta play by the rules. And of course _someone_ will like it. And if they don't, well, _Citizen Kane_ got booed at the Oscars."

"And after all this we'll make a sequel where they're older and they have to go back , just like _Alice in Wonderland_!"

"Not the animated one?"

"No, of course not. This one is in a badass fasion."

The Director's head suddenly snapped up and he viewed his surroundings. "Wasn't there somebody besides us here before?"

Smithee shrugged.

They left, and lights of every kind shut off.


End file.
